I’ve been drafting blog posts in my mind for the last several months. But that’s where they seem to stay. Why?
Time.
I’m generally lost in thought while drifting off to sleep or while driving. I think and mentally type out all that I’m feeling and then by the time I get to where I’m going or drift off to sleep, it’s time to get to real work or I feel like I’ve felt my words enough and don’t need to actually write or share.
Fear.
These days, you can’t say anything without offending somebody. And while the thoughts I have aren’t controversial or overly unique, I still worry about my words being twisted or held against me if I one day grow and my feelings change. There is the direct fear of making one comment that somebody misconstrues and the next thing you know you have people coming at you with their digital torches ready to burn your house down. Then I find myself captive by that fear even when I think. As I draft my thoughts and think about writing them, there always seems to be an explanation needed after each sentence. Something in parenthesis to give extra explanation and pre-emptively push away the critics or meanies. I want to write without being held back, so for now I just don’t write.
Screw you fear. Here I go!
I’m in the midst of a contentment crisis.
In a way, this is classic me. I’ve always invested my life, friends, time and money in diverse and various areas. In high school, I played tennis, soccer, the violin, was in all honors classes, did competitive cheerleading, competed in pageants, was involved in my church, was a Girl Scout, served in student government and somehow still got sleep. I was never great at any of these things, but I worked hard in each area. My friends were similar. My birthday parties were always a cross-section of the various social groups at school and I loved it. I didn’t have to be one thing and neither did my friends. It’s the “lack of focus” though that fuels my current contentment crisis. I am a mom, business owner, neighbor, SPCA employee, church member and volunteer, wife and friend. And when I feel like I am actually succeeding in one area of life, I automatically feel like a failure in all of the others.
I’m a type-A perfectionist. I get that from my daddy. So if I’m not giving and performing at 110%, I’m failing. I totally get that this is irrational. You simply can’t perform at that level in every area of your life all the time. But I still find myself saying after acknowledging that…well, I could if I had…more time! More energy! This way of thinking has set me up to fail. How can I ever feel content if my bar is set at such an achievable height to begin with?
This lack of contentment also stems from feeling lost. I really feel on fire when I am able to serve others. But there is a lot of need. Just scrolling through Facebook this morning, I saw a post by a mom whose baby died waiting for an organ transplant. I want to jump in my car and go be tested on whatever registry there may or may not be to see if I have a kidney or something that could be donated. Seeing animals and people being flooded out of their homes after Hurricane Florence, I feel compelled to go save them! How? I don’t know, but I must take action! The world needs saving and I want to serve. In the same way that I have to perform at 110% all the time, I need to serve 110% or more. And right now I just don’t feel like I’m serving enough or that I really understand where God wants me to spend my time. I want to do the most good with the skills I have and right now I have no idea if I’m doing that.
This all tends to boil down to a feeling of not being enough. But isn’t that what the devil wants us to believe? That we are nothing? That we can’t make a difference so we shouldn’t try? Thankfully, that’s not the truth. I am enough because God loves me. I just don’t always allow myself to believe I am enough.
So…as you may be looking around at your house, your bank account, your kids, your job, you friends…and thinking that you are failing them all…say it with me:
I AM ENOUGH.
Photo by Whitebox Photo